I am having such a frustrating day today. First of all, I have been 31 for 4 whole days now and each day has been worse than the previous. SEEEEEEE. I'm getting progressively bad at life. I wonder what it is that holds me back from living my life the way I want my life to be lived. I guess I sometimes think that if I start living my life the way I want it to be, the way I imagine it to look like in my deepest insides and life it still shit then I'll punish myself for not starting earlier. BUT, if I continue to not aim to achieve all of the things that I want I'll hate myself and be depressed. It seems that either way I lose. So, what do I define as winning? Let's have an attempt at unraveling those knots in my head, smoothing out the creases and maybe observe with some clarity.
1. Health. My health has primarily consisted of one main food group: the carbs. They are my frenemies. I remember I documented a vlog announcing to anybody who would listen that I had just discovered the effects of sugar and how damaging it is to you. How bad it is for you skin. How it ages you. How weight can just pile on, it secretly creeps up on you and suddenly your ass is sticking out a meter behind you. When did that happen? But, that's not fair, I've been eating 3 square meals a day and not snacks. How is my ass so big? Then you go through everything you eat and you realise that every meal is 80% carbs and you're only activity comes from walking to the car. Whooops. I would absolutely love it if I could be "one of those" health freaks who only nibble on cocoa bits, whose only source of sugar is a teaspoon of honey and the low fructose friuts. Bananas are as damaging as a bar of chocolate. Almost. Despite wanting to do this for almost a decade, I haven't achieved it and that bothers me. You only get one life. One body. I want to take care of it.
2. Not giving a shit what people think. I'm an avid pinner. That's a verb, right? One of my favorite boards are filled with phrases that inspire me, that lifts my spirits, that causes happiness to surge straight through me. One quote that really spoke out to me was this “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches.” It is a message that I often replay in my head. I am not very popular, I'm never the laugh of the party and I don't have a bazillion friends-just a few close ones. I have a really good friend who can meet someone completely new and within moments they'll be totally smitten. She has a knack of making people feel at ease. She find it easy to be herself and people are attracted to her in the same way that bees are attracted to pollen. She's leaving soon and to celebrate her time with us and to wish her well, we marked the occasion with a leaving dinner and some gifts. Tears were involved. Actual tears. From people I didn't even know were capable of producing them. All the while, I'm tormenting myself internally "why don't people like me as much?". The funny thing is, I don't even care about these people very much. So, why on earth does it bother me so much? what am I telling myself? That being liked by everybody is my self-worth? Is there a correlation that I am missing? I know that I have a sister who loves me. My friend who is so popular and terrific in all ways is incredibly close to me, in fact I would say we are the closest to each other.
1. Being productive. I fill my days with daydreams, frustration and general pottering around. Hopes and dreams of starting afresh the following day consume my head and reassure me that it will be alright. I've lost count the number of times I've shut my rational side up by simply stating "I'll start tomorrow and it will be brilliant". Despite failing at "starting tomorrow" at least a 100 million times, I continue to feed myself with false promises. I am sure many of you have heard people exclaim"oh I've done nothing today" before slumping down in a seat, head in hands. In my case, this is true. Daily. The truth is, I struggle to fill my days with actually doing things as I am a little lost in all aspects of life. Maybe I'll start off with a google calendar.
1. Stop being so hard on yourself. Okay, so I'm a little off track. Does that mean I deserve to be constantly calling myself a failure? clenching my teeth, fists, entire body goes rigid at the thought of me still doing a PhD. I can't compare myself to others. You're here. Doing this. You only get one life and that life is going to have a bump every now and then. It's called living. Enjoy it.
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