05.09.13

Hey, today I am feeling sooo low. I should say "tonight" actually because it's almost midnight :(

So, today was a sad day. Well, not sad, I am sounding really dramatic now like somebody died and when i put it into words i am gonna sound like the biggest drama queen. like today was a sad day, "i ate chocolate, an entire pack of biscuits and two dinners". 

Let's start at the beginning. It was all going fine. The day before, so yesterday, I had A LOT to eat. like a lot. it's because in my head i was thinking "tomorrow is going to be brilliant and awesome, ergo today i can be shit" like that's the way my head work and it is ridiculous, oui? But i struggle to now live by that rule. the old "all or nothing" rutt. Anywayyyyy...this is what happened. Despite eating like a weeks worth of food in one day, I started the morning with a healthy bowl of oats and a cup of fennel tea. I was trying to keep myself busy so I did some chores around the house and at around 11 I had half a croissant and some cottage cheese (weird combo that lil sis came up with) i was feeling so smug at this point...like hey, look at me, i'm having a croissant and i'm not gonna go nuts, i'm gonna have a healthy dinner of salmon and veg and it's gonna be great. (fyi, i went food shopping yesterday and bought A LOT of salmon). Then later, i had to go out as i wanted to buy new bedding for my room. it was great,  i was thinking, wow this feels like a fresh start-i even have new bedding! Ikea were all out of the bedding i wanted. bummer. went to argoa, it was all shit there. you know what i did there, finally acted on the thought that was driving me insane ever since i was walking around ikea-CHOCOLATE and how much i wanted it. so i went to poundland which is situated right next to argos and bought a bar of coconut choc. i went to the car and ate it immediately. it was alright. 

The worst thing. Yesterday i started experiencing MAJOR toothache, now something you should know, i have a fear of dentists so tend to avoid it at all costs. i feel guilty about the fact that it has been two years since i have seen a dentist but i hate all those weird sounding things that they stick in your mouth, just a mere thought of dentist has my toes curled up in fear. So, the toothache was causing me to have all sorts of nightmares-is it a filling or worse root canal?! i have basically been living on sugar for like the last three years of my life and even though sometimes i brush my teeth like 3 times a day, those cavities can build. So, despite having toothache, i ate chocolate. I AM WEAK. it's like when i read about george best and how he died. alcoholic.  i have the deepest sympathy for any addict (being one myself) but i just thought having something like a liver transplant and nearly dying would kick that habit but george best, even after his near death experience, continued to drink and eventually it killed him. when i read about it, i was shocked and appalled "how could he continue to do that to himself" "i have no sympathy" and here i am, potentially causing some sort of damage to my body, albeit small damage in the form of tooth erosion (probably) and yet, i continue to stay loyal to the very thing that is creating this damage. and it is also causing damage in so many other ways which is too depressing to go into at present time. Anyway. Sighs. ANOTHER DAY AND NO DOLLAR tomorrow. Tomorrow is a NEW day, a chance to turn it all around, that's what every passing moment is about. yes?!!