SMART way of living.

Oh gosh, I'm struggling to keep my eyes open. 

A while ago, I signed up for therapy, at uni we have a therapist who you know, you can talk to and he/she will offer a multitude of advice. Sadly, my therapist made it known that it was only a short term thing. I really should sign up for long term therapy though. 

Late last night, when I found myself in yet another situation where I couldn't sleep and my iphone had offered all the distractions it could give me, I plugged in my headphones and decided to catch up on my Radio 4 podcasts. My fave thing in the whole world. Radio 4 just makes me realise how life is more than what you look like, what you wear, or better yet reminds me of these things and reinforces them in my head as deep down I do know that there is more to life than a fancy dress or a perfect pair of trousers. Anyhooooo, getting side tracked, there was a feature on (it was like it was made for me at that specific time...) it was on eating disorders....it gets scarier, it was on eating disorders and older women. Obviously, the common stereotype is that eating disorders only exist among teenage girls. Sadly, eating disorders can effect all ages and either gender, it doesn't discriminate. It'll pick anyone to be its victim. :(

These women were sharing their stories and these are women in their 60s and it scared me. I'm punishing myself for still suffering from this for 4 years, the reality is that nobody knows how longer I can be a victim to an eating disorder so until I address this, I could be suffering forever. 

I need to accept that it is not my fault.

 "It isn't you fault, Audrey that you are suffering. Stop being so goddamn hard on yourself, dude. I mean, you just have this vision that life should be perfect, that your list will of things to do will one day be complete and another task will never needed to be added. This is life, life is full of imperfections"

That's my attempt at getting through to myself. It has a temporary effect where I feel calm for like a minute. I guess I need to keep telling myself this, reverse brainwashing as I haven't always been obsessed with what I ate. Eating was very much low on my list. Now, it's occupying my mind all the time. Just, all the time. In fact, right this very minute I am weighing up the idea of giving in to a bounty or a twix from the downstairs vending machine. BLAAAAAGHHHH. 

One of the things that my therapist asked me to do, taught me to start incorporating in my every day life, was something called SMART. It's an acronym for Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relavant, Time-Bound. 

See, the thing is, I am guilty of placing such emphasis on my weight. Since over eating I have put on almost 2 stones, that's around 12kg. Scary, right? Now, it's somewhat worrying that I've put on this much weight in such a short space of time (4 weeks) but I shouldn't feel down about being this size. The thing is, if I feel sad about it, I am ultimately telling my brain that I won't be happy until I get down to my regular size again. So, let's say I lose the weight, get back down to that size and I don't achieve total bliss like i'm imagining i would. My brain would then feel miserable and maybe go back to eating again. The key is to enjoy each day. So, why am I overeating? I do live in a black and white world, I have rules for perfection and right now my idea of perfection is if I'm on the road to weight loss. I haven't been to the gym in like 4 weeks, this to me is failure. So, with failure comes the luxury of doing whatever the hell I want. I can just lounge about, bake some cookies, watch an excessive amount of TV because I've already failed. 

So...if I give myself small tasks and follow the SMART regime. Reward myself. I'll start enjoying my days. That's the plan anyway. :)

Right. Let's start.

S is for Specific

My specific task is to go running. 

Measurable 

3km

Achievable

Yes

Relevant

Yup, I want to be healthy and fit, lose weight. Very relevant. 

Time. I got 2 hours. 

I'm not even sure if I've filled out the above correctly. :) haha

Okay, I'm going to do 25 lengths of swimming and then finish with a game of badminton with friends. 

Reward yourself. Remember to feel proud of your achievements, however small they are, if you constantly criticise yourself, you will feel miserable and you will then be waiting for that day of happiness to miraculously arrive. You can't put that much pressure on weight loss. You can't expect for your life to just be happy by your size and your body weight. It is not realistic.